The Primal Connection

The Art of Leading From Behind

Posted by Nancy Moy on 06/19/13

I stand in a huge arena in Scottsdale Arizona. Looking out beyond the enclosure, I can see at least fifty Saguaro cactus ranging in size from 16 to 20 feet high. It is already 80 degrees. Standing with me are three horses; an easy-going Buckskin mare, a feisty small black mare and a nervous chestnut gelding. And there’s Betsy, in her late twenties,she wears her long brown hair parted in the middle and longer bangs; a hair cut she has probably had since the third grade has joined me for the upcoming exercise. About 30 minutes ago,she and another

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woman tried and failed the exercise were about to do. Betsy wants a re-do. We are the last team to go. Our task is to get three horses to run around the enclosure, about an acre in size. We are then supposed to separate one horse from the herd, and get them into a smaller horse shoe shaped corral in the middle of the arena that has no gate. We do this three times until all the horses are in the corral. We are forbidden to touch the horses or speak to each other. We cannot use ropes, halters or whips. We have15 minutes. It’s all part of a “How to Make It Happen, Taking Leadership in Your Life” seminar, and it appealed to me, in the first place, because of the horses. I have been around them most of my life. My dad bought me my first horse when I was ten. I was trained to ride and treat horses in the traditional way of being dominant and forceful, making the horse respect you and do what it was told to do. You used bridles, bits, saddles, spurs, and whips to remind the horse who was boss. I listened to my dad, but deep down, I never felt completely at ease with using force to lead. I loved my horses. I did my best thinking and problem solving in their company. I was safe to be myself, lower all of my defenses, have my feelings, and sit with my doubts. I found my confidence and balance after spending time with them. But, that’s not true for everyone, and that’s one reason this piece is such an essential part of the seminar. When anyone is in an arena with a 1000 pound animal, all their logical thinking and social stature disappears. Horses don’t care who you are, what you know, or what you do. They reflect your muscle and emotional tension like a mirror of body, psyche, and soul. Their responses to you tell the world your secrets.

In the five years previous to the seminar, my life had gone off course, and I’d lost my direction. I needed a loving force to shine a light and give me answers. I wasn’t sure humans could help, but hoped the horses would point me to my true path.

Betsy and I started walking toward the horses, raised our hands up. The horses take this as their cue and they began to gallop around. Standing in two different places in the arena, we separate the Buckskin from the herd without much effort. She trots into the horse shoe shaped corral. I signal to Betsy to stand at the entrance of the corral to keep the mare confined.

The chestnut gelding is not the cooperative or curious sort. He gallops around the edge of the enclosure, whinnying to the Buckskin. She is the key to getting him where we want him to go. I signal Betsy to step back from the corral entrance and stretch out her arm and motion with the other like a traffic cop, The gelding galloped in.

Suddenly, the two confined horses decide they want to be a herd again. They start to leave the enclosure but Betsy jumps up, throws her arms out, surprising the horses. They stop in their tracks and return to the far side of the small corral. As I watched, it seemed like Betsy had grown at least a foot. Her bangs were blown off her face and she had the most stern, “Don’t even think about it” look I had ever seen on anyone. I wouldn’t have crossed her, either.

The feisty mare stops and begins eating grass about 20 feet from the entrance of the horse shoe corral. Betsy, now full of horse confidence, signals she wants to try to get Feisty to join the other two. Feisty isn’t interested. After all, she weighs at least a 1000 pounds and will do what she wants. She won’t cooperate or even acknowledge Betsy and keeps eating.Confused and a little defeated, Betsy goes back to protecting the corral opening.

Right now, I feel my heart beating, being very calm, taking gentle deep breaths, standing close behind the horse thinking, “ Get into the corral.” If I had had my props; halter, rope whip, I could get Feisty into the corral in no time. Everything I know about horses has galloped off into the Arizona desert. Right now, the only tool I have is myself. I know the direction we need to take. I don’t have any power over this horse, only the power to act in this moment. I have to use what I have right now. I don’t want to spook mare. How do I get both of us in the place we need to be? I focus, listen to my heart beat, breath slowly and trust myself. I motion to Betsy to step slightly to the side and make a small opening to the coral. Standing behind the mare, I am in the more powerful position, because Feisty cannot see me. I gently walk up behind the grazing mare, make a soft kissing sound and she saunters into the horse shoe corral. It takes less us than 8 minutes.We are both jubilant.

After the exercise, the facilitators remark that I am a powerful leader. I cringe. It’s a label I have considered a criticism all my life. Leadership means choosing to be out in front all the time, being aggressive, competitive, masculine, strategic, forceful. Leaders can’t

belong to the rest of the group.They stand out. If all goes well, the leader and their followers are credited for doing a great job. If things fail, the failure falls to the leader.

Leaders believe in themselves. Women as leaders are expected to be mean,bitchy, manipulative, narcissistic, ruthless, fearless, love being in charge and are always sure of themselves.Right?

Me, I’m anxious. I bite my nails! I stand out in a crowd because I’m 6 feet tall. I don’t want to be excluded from the group or take the hit for stupid mistakes or be responsible for group decisions. How did they see leadership in me? During the exercise,

I wasn’t leading Feisty,I was behind the mare the entire time.

All this time, I realize I’ve been confusing leadership with cowardice. A horse would never let an abusive coward get behind her, out of her sight. She’d kick and run off. I could stand behind the mare and coax her into the corral because I had made myself vulnerable: that’s where the power came from. I made a simple request. Not feeling threatened, the horse complied.

Byron Katie, Martha Beck and Daniel Goleman, all experts in emotional intelligence and the paralyzing effects of self limiting thoughts, propose that leadership develops as the individual’s attunement to themselves and others grows and matures. Leaders are self-directed, following their hearts as they focus on their True North. Self leadership is not easy for a naturally anxious person whose fears and self criticism, speak louder than anything else. Could I truly trust myself and believe; “I am enough, as I am, right now, in this time and place?” Terrifying! Yet, today, I quietly took the lead by trusting myself. I wasn’t aggressive, strategic, masculine or forceful. I was myself, relaxed, focused and the horse responded. I was awesome.

What I haven’t been able to see is that, when I am my authentic, calm, focused self, I am the leader I was born to be with none of negative traits that I’ve attached to the title. I’ve always had what I’ve needed. I can draw on the power of all the love, experience and wisdom I have gained up to now and feel, what Carol Pearson calls,“the size of my soul.”

Authentic leadership manifests itself in me when I trust Love and let It grow bigger than all imagined fears. I let love and trust take over and lead my life. As with Feisty, I take gentle encouraging steps, inviting something greater than my resistance to move me forward, guiding me to my authentic, powerful, leader self.